I’m sure that every mom or dad has experienced that moment where they can’t find their child. Whether it’s in an aisle at the grocery store or that moment at the playground when you look away for a split second and that little pink or blue jacket that you have been following with your eyes for the last 30 minutes is gone. That panic that takes over as you start to call their name and speed walk through all the children and the swings and slides, your head spinning and everything moving in slow motion and then you finally spot them and you run over and grab them and hug them so tight and tell them to “always stay where mommy or daddy can see you”.  That’s how I feel every day, the only difference is there is no sigh of relief or joyous reunion…  at least not yet.

Lately when people ask me how I am doing I have stopped saying ” I’m hanging in there” because that’s not really true. The truth is I’m barely hanging on by a thread. The truth is that I miss Eliza every second of the day. The truth is I wonder if I’ll ever be the same. The truth is I don’t know how I will get through the rest of my life without her; that 20 or 30 or 40 years is too long to wait to see her again. I know I’ve said it a million times but Eliza was all I ever wanted and now she is gone and I am the one who is lost.

I wonder if soon people will to stop asking me how I’m doing because my response is just too sad.

I’ve always heard people say that every day will get easier, I have probably said it to someone grieving the loss of a loved one and I’m sure that I believed it was true. But now with 45 days of experience under my belt I know that every day doesn’t get easier I’m just getting used to the pain. I’m learning to breathe through the sick feeling when I walk past Eliza’s bedroom. I’m learning to pray through the panic that happens every time I see a picture or watch a video of Eliza. And I have learned to share my fears with other people who carry the burden of loss because most of the time they know exactly how I feel.

A few days ago I ran into a sweet friend of mine who has endured terrible tragedy in her life, first losing her mother a few years ago and then losing her father last Christmas. She is only 31. That day I told her that I felt like it wasn’t getting easier like I had assumed it would. I expected that she would say to give it time and that it really does get easier but without hesitation she agreed with me and she also said that every day that passes she misses her parents more. I hugged her so tight because there are no truer words, every day that passes I miss Eliza more.

As Aaron and I were driving up to see my family for Christmas I admit I was struggling because all I really wanted was to lay on my couch under a blanket and watch Netflix for 4 days. The thought of celebrating my favorite holiday, the birth of Jesus only made me more sad. So I texted a friend and asked her to suggest some podcasts for the 3 hour ride. I needed someone to somehow speak life into me. So I picked one and I listened. I listened to a pastor talk about GRACE and how we don’t need to look to heaven to find God during difficult times because God is always with us. He is sitting next to me, walking next to me, carrying me through the worst days. And on the hardest mornings when getting out of bed seems like an impossible task it’s Gods Grace that rescues me.

Eliza will always be my greatest accomplishment, she is my greatest gift, she is my greatest LOVE. Four years was not enough time. I know that over the years I will watch other children grow up and do all the things that I wanted for Eliza. I know that I will always wonder what she would have been like but Eliza will forever be 4 years old and that breaks my heart over and over again.

Thankfully God knows all of this and thankfully we will one day be reunited with our sweet Eliza Hope. And thankfully Gods Grace will continue to rescue me until that day finally arrives.

| But he said to me “my Grace is sufficient for you , for my power is made perfect in weakness”|      ~2 Corinthians 12:9