I’ve always thought sadness and grief were the same thing. That grief was just a more descriptive word for sadness. I know now that it’s not the same. It’s not the same at all. Sadness can be cured with a distraction, a funny movie or a bowl of ice cream. Grief cannot. Grief stays. You feel it through your whole body and it doesn’t let go for even a second no matter what you do. You can try to hide it but it’s always there. So I pray. Everyone prays for us to experience a peace that surpasses all understanding and there ARE moments that I can breathe, but they are gone too quickly. I have been sad before but I have never come close to grieving… until now. I wake up every morning and think how can I survive this?
Over the past few weeks I have sat in front of a blank computer screen wanting to write something about how this all feels. But there are no words to describe the devastation of losing a child. No words do it justice. I’ve wanted to write something encouraging about the silver lining that I have found through all of this. I wanted to write about how God has made his purpose clear to me but I can’t, at least not yet. I mean what is there to say about my life that hasn’t gone at all how I had planned? Was it too much to ask for a healthy child and a long happy life for her? Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to go? Nothing I have prayed for has been unreasonable? Why did God not want for me what I wanted for myself and for my family? What I wanted for Eliza? Some days these questions consume me. I am broken, my heart is shattered into a thousand pieces, my sweet girl that I dreamed of, that we prayed so hard for is gone and the only thing that I want is to hold her again.
And then at church on Sunday our pastor preached and I clung to these words, “my brokenness never disqualifies me from his blessings”
So I started to search for blessings. This pain that has made me so acutely aware of my grief can certainly help me see that there is hope right? Have I really not noticed the overwhelming amount of love that has surrounded Aaron and me? Have I not noticed that there hasn’t been one day that someone hasn’t come to our house to sit with me, to cry with me, to tell me that I’m not alone. Have I not noticed that there hasn’t been one day that someone somewhere has not prayed for our family. There are a thousand pictures of pinecones being posted with the hashtag #stopandsmellthepinecones, and emails and texts and cards with the sweetest words from people, some that have never even met Eliza. That means something. Those are all blessings.
Eliza was JOY and LOVE and HOPE and KINDNESS all wrapped up into one little girl. She was given to us for a reason. She was a light to so many people. Eliza made me a mom and Aaron a dad. She gave us HOPE. Her life was and is important even though it ended too soon.
My friend recently asked me if through everything I have experienced have I ever lost my faith and my answer was no. I truly haven’t. I question “why” all the time but faith is what has brought me through these darkest days. I know that having faith doesn’t exclude me from tragedy but it will get me through it. It has to. I believe in my heart that God has not left me, that he is carrying me when I am at my weakest. That he has placed everyone and everything exactly where it should be, but it is still so hard. There are many days that this brokenness threatens to takeover.
And than I think of Eliza. I think of how she woke up every morning and smiled so big and said “hi” never even knowing how much harder she had to work than other children just to get through the day. How she would say thank you after she would have blood work done or kiss a doctor’s hand and say “boom boom” when they would listen to her heart. How she found complete happiness in a big bowl of popcorn or a pine cone.
So I will do what Eliza did. Even if its hard. I will wake up every morning and smile and say Hi… and I will ALWAYS stop and smell the pinecones.
| When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.| ~Isaiah 43:2
Your words are so powerful, and even through the pain, they give HOPE. Love you so much my dear friend.
God bless you and Aaron, Aimee. So glad you have such a deep faith. But so sad that both of you have to know this grief for even one second. I will never forget your precious girl, Eliza Hope. And EVERY time I see a pine cone I smell it like it was the first time ever!!
Dear friend, you are never alone! I wish you didn’t have to write these words, but your faith and strength still astonishes me. All the love and prayers sent to you and Aaron!
Love you guys so much Aimee. Constantly thinking and praying for you and Aaron
You, my dear Aimee, inspire me to be a better and more grateful person. Your messages while written while suffering the most awful and heart wrenching pain anyone can experience are extemely powerful. I believe sweet and precious Eliza was givien to you and Aaron for a purpose, bigger than we fully understand at this time. I think of you and Aaron daily and pray for you both every single day. Love and continued prayers being sent you way! XOXO
Dear Aimee and Aaron-
I learned of the passing of your precious Eliza through FaceBook and have been praying for you daily. I cannot imagine the hole you have in your heart right now but I do pray for and believe that God will provide healing and strength in the days and weeks ahead. Just wanted you to know that some of your St. Thomas Family love you and are lifting you up each day. ?
Love you friend! You are an amazing momma!
Aimee and Aaron, God Bless you both and hold you in his arms where Eliza is resting now. Sorry you had to bear this pain but know you will make it to the other side and find joy in the precious little sweetie that God let you share with others.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Even though we haven’t spoken ourselves since we were children, I’ve prayed for you and your family. Every time I see pictures of your sweet little girl my heart aches for you both. You are on my mind, and I will always think of your Eliza Hope and say a special prayer whenever I see a pine cone?
My heart hurts for you! I always looked forward to the pictures you posted….I always was amazed of Eliza’s smile and the energy surrounding her….. and how fashionable she rocked her outfits! It made me smile…. I think of you and your family often and wish you peace and energy each day. As a mother I cannot imagine the pain, but your words here show your strength and faith that help me write to you to say I am thinning of you. I notice pine cone quite a bit now. Hugs and love!
Aimee,
Grief is definitely a journey and it’s unique for everyone. What I mean is that it won’t look the same for two people, which is actually quite freeing to know that it’s okay for you to grieve however you need to. I just wanted to share that with you to hopefully encourage you. I am so thankful that you have the best resource in the world – your trust and your relationship with your Heavenly Father will carry you through every stage of this. Love you and I am truly sorry for your loss.
Beautiful. Thinking of you each and every day!
Thank you Aimee, for sharing your heart. God will use these words someday to help another going through the same journey of grief. Many prayers and many hugs, Sally
Aimee , thank you for sharing the thoughts from your heart, may God continue to bless you and Aaron, as you journey through.
Pauline Johnson (Hollis’s Mom, Jeff’s friend)