I found myself alone recently. It was the Monday after New Year’s, Aaron was working and most everyone else was having family time or running errands so I decided to go get coffee at a local coffee shop. I sat down with headphones and listened to music with my chair facing outside as I watched the rain come down. I realized I had never actually sat in a coffee shop by myself for longer than a few minutes. I wasn’t particularly sad that day, I was actually enjoying the quiet.  I started thinking about what I would be doing if Eliza were still here. It would definitely have involved her IPAD, and a trip to Chick-fil-A for waffle fries. There would have been lots of napping and snuggling on the couch, and many bowls of popcorn. I loved those days. You don’t realize just how much you love them until they are gone.

Of course as my mind drifted I started thinking about “the day” November 11, 2016, the day I would be forced into a club that no one wants to be a part of. Usually when my mind goes there I clinch my fists tight and shake my head trying not to remember because most days it’s too much. But this day was different. It felt safe to remember and I decided to write it all down.

It was a girls weekend in Las Vegas that we had all been looking forward to for months. We were celebrating our friend who would be getting married soon. It was our first day there and I shared a room with 3 of my dear friends. We went out, we had fun, we danced, we laughed, and we stayed up way too late. As we got into bed the four of us went back and forth about setting alarms and turning ringers off. I was overruled on setting an alarm but I kept my ringer on. It was early in the morning west coast time as we drifted off to sleep and I have to stop myself from thinking about the things that were happening at my house that morning.

I was only asleep a few hours when my phone rang. It was 5am (8am east coast time). It was Aaron, I figured he was calling to ask me something about Eliza’s schedule. I said hello and he calmly said “hey babe, you’re awake” I said yes and asked him what was up. Then I heard his voice crack, and he started crying. He said “Eliza is very sick”. The room started spinning… Aaron doesn’t cry. Anytime Eliza was ever in the hospital I would cry but he would not. And what did he mean she was sick? I had talked to him the evening before and he didn’t say anything about her being sick. I started panicking my heart-felt like it would come out of my chest and I screamed is she dead… and he said yes.

I threw my phone and I fell on the ground the girls jumped out of bed and I kept screaming Eliza died, Eliza died. It felt like someone was ripping me apart. I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t stop screaming I don’t even know if I was saying actual words. As I’m writing this I can actually feel the pain all over again. The girls were all sobbing, the had all just seen Eliza the night before we left. They all kissed her and hugged her. How was this possible?

Hotel security came to our room, someone in another room had called because they heard my screams. They tried calming everyone down. They told everyone what to do. I continued sobbing and screaming for everyone to please pray.

On the other side of the country my friends and family were already working out the details of what would happen that day and how to get me home. Our friend purchased me and Dana tickets and our flight was leaving in an hour and a half. We had to get to the airport. They had a wheel chair for me and they wheeled me through the hotel and the casino and all 4 of us got into a cab. I don’t remember anything else until we got on the plane. Our friends had already called Delta to let them know what was happening. The sweet flight attendant told me I had to be calm or they would have to land the plane and they didn’t want to have to do that. Her face was sad. I knew she wanted to help me but know one could.  I didn’t know how I was going to do this, how could I be stuck on a plane for the next 7 hours, Dana just continued praying. I knew people were looking at me wondering what was happening. I wanted to scream my baby is gone. Some people would ask and I would tell them. I remember the looks on their faces and I remember thinking…will I ever get used to that look… I won’t.

That day felt like an eternity. I held on to Dana for 9 hours, I don’t think I let go for more than 30 seconds. I’m sure she would tell you that it was the hardest day of her life too. God’s grace gave her strength, there is no other explanation.

There are so many miracles that happened that day that I am only now remembering. MY people came together in a way that I can’t explain. The news of Eliza travelled quickly which was a blessing. I know that so many people did so many things that I will never know but will always be thankful for.

When we arrived in Norfolk I wanted to die. This was it. It was real. The fact that everyone anticipated how awful this part would be still amazes me.

They let me off the plane first. Put me in a wheel chair and as I came up the ramp I saw my brother and the person that is like a brother to me. They were the two people who were chosen for this job, to meet us at the plane…Jeff and Jason. I could see the pain in their eyes. I knew they had cried that day. I knew that they were worried I would never be the same.

I was wheeled through the airport at top speed as I sobbed. And then we got to the elevator, Dana’s husband was standing there. His job was to press the elevator button when he saw us coming (yes, they thought of everything), when we got there he mouthed the words “its out-of-order”.  So they carried me down the escalator, my feet never touching the escalator stairs.

All the friends and family who cared so much to make those kind of plans…they could rule the world.

We got out of the airport and two SUVs were outside of baggage claim waiting for me. People were in specific cars for specific reasons, no one was there by accident.  I saw Aaron and my Dad first, I fell into their arms. They got me into one car and we took off. The other car would wait for my luggage and then be right behind us. They were taking me to Eliza. I was hysterical, everyone in the car was. My mom was holding me tight. It was dark out I’m not even sure what time it was. And then we were there.

I got out of the car at the funeral home and I wasn’t even in my body I was delirious. Close friends were waiting for me. That surprised me for some reason. It was comforting to see them. Some were standing outside some were inside. These were people who God chose to be there, they were who I needed. I had no idea what to expect, I was out of control, what was about to happen. I wanted someone to wake me up, I begged for this to be a terrible nightmare but It wasn’t.

Then the funeral home director told me what I was about to see. He was detailed. My precious girl would be in pajamas, on a table that was covered with a white sheet and she would have a white blanket over her legs. I kept saying “no, no this can’t be my life”, I said “I can’t do this”, I sobbed. He told me to take my time. And then out of the corner of my eye I saw her little legs covered up. I wailed out, a sound I couldn’t make again if I tried and I ran in. This wasn’t real it couldn’t be. I could never get through this. I hugged her. I kissed her face. I looked at her whole body, every inch. Was this really Eliza? I had just kissed her goodbye 36 hours ago and she was fine, she was full of life. My mind could not make sense of what was happening.

People would take turns coming to stand with me and cry. My best friend had been out-of-town and when she finally arrived she ran into the room sobbing and laid over Eliza just like I had done. Kristiana had cried the first time she held Eliza at the hospital 4 1/2 years ago and now here we were. It wasn’t fair.

Someone brought me a chair and I sat down and laid my head next to Eliza’s face, I held her hand, I touched her hair. I thought that at any moment she would start breathing again, that God would surely bring her back to me. I pleaded with God, HE could do anything, HE could breathe life back into her lungs and make her heart start beating again. Why wouldn’t HE do it now, why wouldn’t HE do it for me?

I didn’t want to leave her, I wanted to sleep there with her, would anyone really stop me? How could I possibly walk out without her in my arms? It’s completely unnatural. People kept telling me she was with Jesus, this isn’t Eliza it’s just her body. I knew that , BUT it was HER body, the body I carried for 9 months, the body I hugged and kissed every day for 4 1/2 years. I wanted to scream every time someone said it. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole, it was too much pain to bear.

I looked back at the funeral director and I could tell he was crying. I’m certain he never gets used to seeing a child like this. He told me I could stay as long as I wanted

Could I stay forever?

I don’t remember who or how anyone got me to leave, but I ended up at one of my closest friends house that night. Everyone wanted me to sleep, but it wasn’t possible. How could I even close my eyes. I tried but I ended up crying and walking aimlessly through the hallway calling my friend’s name. That night I would end up on the couch with my mom and Kendra holding on to me tightly and Aaron asleep at the foot of the couch. The same thought continued running on a loop in my head all night “this isn’t right this shouldn’t happen, no one should ever have to feel this” There was no doubt in my mind that this pain would kill me.

But it hasn’t.

I am sure that I have experienced Gods Grace and Love and Peace. There is no way that I could have gotten through those first days without it. There is no way that I could continue to get through each day that has followed without it. In a million years I could never have imagined this would be my life. That I would be a mother who lost her only child. Some days it still doesn’t feel real. But people are kind, they have lifted me up during my worst days. They have flooded me with so much love. I know it’s not easy knowing what to say to someone who is grieving such a tragic loss and I know that most of the time words don’t seem sufficient… but they are. Knowing Eliza is being remembered gives me great relief from this terrible heartbreak.

Recently I told a friend that every day that passes I feel like I’m getting further and further away from my sweet Eliza. Without hesitation she said “but every day that passes you’re actually getting closer to seeing her again.” It’s true and I love that and every day I will hold on to that.

Eliza Hope made me a Mom and Aaron a Dad. We will carry her with us in everything that we do. We will not lose faith. We will tell her story. We will make a difference. We will do it for Eliza.

And on that day when we finally get to hold her again she will tell us how proud she is.

 | You call me out upon the waters, The great unknown where feet may fail, And there I find You in the mystery, In oceans deep My faith will stand |~ Oceans by Hillsong United