It’s like she was a dream, the best dream. The kind of dream that makes you want to sleep all day. Her laugh, her smile, her snuggles. Sometimes I feel like it didn’t even happen. I watch videos and look at pictures everyday so I don’t forget anything about her. Even the tiniest detail, like the way her mouth curled when she said “hi” or the sound of her voice in the morning saying “mama, mama” or the little birthmark on the inside of her leg. I want to remember it all; I have to remember it all, because all of it changed me.

I haven’t been able to write lately because not much has changed but as I sat in my friend’s living room organizing the hundreds of items that have been donated for the Eliza Hope Foundation Fundraiser I cried. I cried because I miss Eliza, I cried because people are so generous, I cried because I’m grateful for everyone in my life who has carried me through this. I cried because strangers have become dear friends and I cried because Eliza was so much more than I could have dreamed of and being her mom was an honor.

Now as we prepare for our big event this weekend my emotions are like a rollercoaster. Most days over the last week I don’t even know what I feel. How is it that 5 months ago my baby left this earth and now we are hosting a fundraiser for a foundation in her name and sharing our mission with hundreds of people? It doesn’t seem possible; it scares me. It’s like my days of living in a fog, dreaming that she might SOMEHOW come back to us are over.  This is real.

and sometimes real is unbearable

So now as we enter the month of April, the month when 5 years ago our sweet Eliza Hope came into this world and we were filled with so many dreams for our little girl, I have to slow down and be thankful. Because sometimes being thankful is less about gratitude and more about choosing to remember the things that you were given; not the things that were taken away. I will always be thankful for the 4 ½ years that God entrusted Aaron and me with the most amazing gift. And although I will never think that it was long enough and I will always want to rewind the clock I will be thankful that I was able to experience unconditional love for the one I dreamed about all my life, Eliza Hope.

^~Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows~ James 1:17 NIV