APRIL… for 4 years it has been my favorite month. It was the month that Eliza was born. April 12^th 2012, by far MY FAVORITE day… and here we are now, April 9^th 2017 and Eliza isn’t here. If she were here I would be putting the finishing touches on another big birthday party, we would have another CHKD toy drive, she would have a new outfit or two… or maybe one for each day of her birthday week. Eliza would be 5 years old in 3 days, and I still can’t believe she is gone.

I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. Since I was a high risk pregnancy I had a C-section planned for 11am on April 12th and I was ready. I couldn’t wait to finally meet our sweet baby girl. I knew Eliza was going to be special because she had already beaten the odds, she was a fighter. We gave her the middle name Hope because after 6 miscarriages no one thought I would even be able to have a baby but we were proving them wrong. Even though it was hard I surrendered MY plan and Aaron and I clung to HOPE.  After months and months of praying, it was time. I stayed up late the night before making “E” shaped shortbread cookies and tying them with little tags that said “welcome to the world Eliza Hope”.  I would give them to doctors, nurses and visitors, basically anyone who walked through our hospital room door. This was a celebration. Life would never be the same and I knew for sure Eliza Hope was going to do big things {isn’t that the truth}.

And then she was here. It’s hard to remember all the details but I remember calling her “bug bug” as soon as I saw her, I remember thinking how beautiful she was and I remember being relieved. It was like I could finally breathe again. I  had my baby girl and I was happy, happier than I could have imagined, that I knew for sure.

That night I told Aaron that he should go home to sleep and the nurses convinced me to let Eliza sleep in the nursery so I could get some rest. I agreed.  Then at about 11pm I woke up startled, feeling like something was missing, so I walked to the nursery to see Eliza. There she was under the bright lights in a little hospital crib with all the other babies sleeping around her. Her eyes were wide open; she was just taking it all in. I started crying, I told the nurse I wanted her in my room with me. I felt so bad, that maybe, for an instant Eliza might have felt alone in this big scary world. So I brought her to my room and she lay in the crib next to me and she held my finger while we slept. I wanted to make sure she knew I didn’t leave her, and I wanted to make sure she knew that I never would.

And since November 11^th I have felt a lot of those same feelings. I wake up most mornings with that startled feeling, like something is missing but I can’t go get Eliza from her room and hold her hand while we sleep.  And I want to, so badly. I cry hoping that she knows I didn’t leave her; I would never have left her if I knew.  I pray that she never felt alone not even for one second. I pray that she knew how much I loved her and I pray that she could feel it every day.

My heart has been sad these last few days, I cry a little more easily, I stare off a little more frequently. Maybe it’s the change of season, maybe it’s the days getting longer, maybe the gray winter weather matched how I have been feeling inside and now I don’t know what to do with all the sunshine and flowers and birds singing. As I write those words I think of how much Eliza loved listening to the birds, she would hear them and look up to the sky and say “burr” and she loved to pick flowers and hand them to me, she would rip them off the stems and sometimes there would just be a handful of petals left.

Or maybe it’s just because I loved April, my baby’s birthday month the month I became a mom, and now it’s just a reminder that everyone else’s children will grow up and mine will be 4 ½ forever. It’s a reminder of all that I have lost.

I was talking to my friend recently telling her my new feelings about April. She paused for a minute and sat thoughtfully, then she replied “well you know April is the month that you are having your big event to raise money for the Eliza Hope Foundation and you WILL be surrounded by people who love Eliza and are supporting you and Aaron; you will be doing good things through your suffering, AND this year Easter is in April and we are reminded how Jesus suffered and gave his life so that we can have eternal life, so April isn’t so bad, right?” She was right, even in suffering there is good.

So as I make my way through April and Eliza’s birthday I will remember  how much Eliza loved all the things that come with April; the sunshine, the flowers, the birds and even April showers.

and I hope that very soon I will learn to LOVE April again.

On the night you were born,
the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you
and the night wind whispered.
“Life will never be the same.”

~On the Night You were Born by Nancy Tillman