To my sweet Eliza,

I miss you so much. Every part of me misses you. I can’t believe you have been in heaven for three years. That first night was unbearable without you. I felt the strongest urge to run outside into the dark and find you because how could I be here on earth without you. The panic of having lost you is something that still, three years later, brings me to my knees. Those first few days and weeks and months seemed to last forever and now it is all a blur, almost as if my mind is trying to dull the pain. It doesn’t.

You were an amazing little girl. So brave and sweet and strong and now more than ever I am so so proud of you. I’m not sure I realized just how much you went through in your 4 1/2 years. I guess because we were living it and if I had stopped to think about it for too long I might never have been able to keep going. All the blood draws, and EEG’s. All the days and nights in the hospital and you never complained you never cried. You would smile and ask for Mickey or Frozen and pull me or your daddy into the hospital bed with you so that we would hold you tight. It was so simple, thats all you needed, thats all we needed.

I am desperate to have you here. I know that everyday that passes I’m closer to seeing you but it still seems too far away.

But I know I’m lucky. Because of your life so many families are being blessed…and I get to watch it. I get to see all the little ones come through our doors in the morning with such joy. I get to see the older kiddos looking at your pictures on the walls and asking about you. Everyone that passes through our doors loves you and that is what gets me through. So we will grow and your name will be on new buildings and your life will touch new lives and your spirit will give people hope.

And all of this will have meant something.

So today on your three year heaven anniversary I am celebrating your life. Your cousins who miss you so, will celebrate you. And your little friends will remember you with their mommy’s and daddy’s. People will remember that day and where they were when they found out you were gone. And I will take your best friend Nash for ice-cream. We will talk about you, he will ask me about heaven and I’ll tell him everything I know. He will say he misses you and that sometimes it makes him cry. I’ll hug him for you and I’ll quietly cry too;

And we will both agree that you were so special and that no one will ever forget you.

I love you my angel. For a million years…