When I was a little girl I can remember my parents playing “California Dreamin'” on the record player, I learned all the words at a young age and have loved that song ever since. As I was looking out the window the other day I noticed the leaves getting brown and starting to cover the grass in our backyard and I wished so badly I could go back to the days when I would sit by the record player and listen to the Mamas and the Papas. Life was just so easy then.
Now when I see the leaves turning brown I get an almost surreal feeling that I am living those last days with Eliza all over again. I think about what I would have done differently, how I would have slept with her every single night, how I wouldn’t have let her out of my sight. I would have hugged her and kissed her a million more times. But of course it’s impossible to go back no matter how hard I pray.
Its been almost 3 years since I’ve seen my little girl and that scares me. It seems she is getting so far away from me, like she is getting smaller and smaller and one day she will just disappear. Those are some of the hard truths about losing a child, truths that no one wants to talks about. And the question that I keep coming back to is how do I live my entire life in the present when my entire heart is in the past. I know there is no magic answer, I know that every year around this time I will feel the weight of losing Eliza a little more then I do the rest of the year. My days will be a little more sad, and my heart will feel a little more broken and maybe… thats just the way its supposed to be.
“All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray, I’ve been for a walk on a winters day. If I didn’t tell her I could leave today. California Dreamin’ on such a winters day”