Another year without you my love. I think of you every day, every minute of every day. I think of what you would be like at 6 years old, would you still love popcorn and pinecones (I think you would). Now I’m starting to think a lot about what you’re doing in heaven. I dream about how you got there, did angels carry you on their wings? I cried at church today imagining the moment you saw Jesus, you’re so lucky. I bet you make him so proud. I wonder if you help greet everyone in heaven? Who wouldn’t want to see your beautiful face when they get there. My sweet girl you are always on somebody’s mind, even after 2 years I watch peoples eyes fill with tears when I talk about you, even if they never met you. Their is so much purpose to your life, I believe that with my whole heart.  

The holiday season is very different for me now. I’ve always loved Christmas but now it means even more to me. Jesus was BORN and because he was born and because he gave his life for us I will see you again. I will get to see you the way God intended. I’ll hear your voice, we will sing and dance… I can’t wait until that day.

I’m still so sad without you though. You were my favorite part of life and there is no way to replace you… ever. I miss waking up and carrying you to the bathroom to brush your teeth, you would always protest at first and then you would quickly remember how good the strawberry toothpaste was. I miss making your hash browns and sitting with you while you eat breakfast and I drink my coffee. And then you would watch bubble guppies while I twisted your hair into little topknots. Those simple, everyday things are what I miss the most. Sometimes during the day I will say out loud “I just want you back” as if someone will hear me and bring you back to me. But of course it never happens.

I struggle  because I know how happy you are. I like to believe that you belong here in my arms but I know that’s not true, I know that heaven is better than anywhere here on earth. I want to be happy for you, be happy that you will never again have to suffer but humans are selfish and as hard as I try I can’t be truly happy… yet. 

On the day that you went to heaven I wanted to die, all I wanted was to be with you. It was a nightmare that kept repeating. I still have some days like that but they are fewer. Now I know that I have a calling on my life to do as much good as I can for others. 

Our little family walked a road that I questioned over and over again. I would cry because our life was different from other families. It was truly the road less travelled but in this case I never had another choice. Well meaning family and friends would tell me that their was a reason, a purpose behind all the struggles. Still I never understood…

now I do. 

“So we dont look at the troubles we see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever” 2 Corinthians 4:18 NLT