For two years I have been seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist, life coach and a traumatic grief counselor; all to help me through this journey of losing Eliza. Through it all I have prayed for peace, for signs, for supernatural healing for my heart and I have waited (sometimes not so patiently) for God to answer my prayers.
Slowly I have lessened my visits to each of these specialists but not my traumatic grief counselor who specializes in EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy is a specialized therapy for PTSD and traumatic grief. It addresses unprocessed memories that can cause a wide range of dysfunctions and helps to retrain the brain to undo the negative beliefs surrounding MY experience with Eliza’s death.
This therapy is hard, its work. I cry, I bury my head in the couch cushions so I can scream and I relive the most terrible moments. Afterwards I’m exhausted, but I go back, every Tuesday at 2pm.
This week I sat on the couch and I told my counselor that I was feeling good. I told her that God has answered my prayers so specifically that their was no denying it or chalking it up to coincidence. I told her that I had started telling stories about Eliza that made me laugh. I told her that I had been shopping with a friend at Trader Joe’s and I pointed out all of Eliza’s favorite snacks and I didn’t completely fall apart. She smiled and at that moment I wanted to take it all back, every word because I knew. I knew what was coming.
I was released.
I would have never imagined my reaction. I started to cry. How could I be ready to go out on my own? I wasn’t ready because if I was better then surely that meant I had moved on. Was I forgetting my beautiful girl? It has only been a year and 23 months, I should still be clawing at the carpet, I should still be inconsolable. She gently reminded me that I am a “feeler.” I feel big and so I equate all of those big feelings with how much I love. The more pain I feel the more I loved right?
I knew in my heart that wasn’t true.
So now I know, I know what all those mamas meant when they said the pain changes because its changing. I still have waves of sadness that surprise me, waves that crash over me so hard I think I’m back to November 11, 2016. But I can get up, sometimes its slowly but I get up.
I know that my story isn’t over. I know I have so much more to learn and so much more to do and to feel, but this part is over. I will always love Eliza bigger then anyone can even imagine and I will live the rest of my life with a broken heart but everything I do to honor her will be big. So I’m proud ME. I have done good work.
I am released.