A few weeks before Christmas Aaron and I received a text from our friends saying “Do you want to go to Hawaii with us the day after Christmas?” Of course I couldn’t write back YES fast enough! Hawaii has never been a place I dreamed I would ever go. It’s so far and its a place I never imagined I would be able to see… and then here I was packing my bags for Hawaii.

The week of Christmas was torture for me. We always go see my family and I had decided early on that I just couldn’t face the fun family holiday with all of the cousins when Eliza would be missing. Last year I was in shock, I don’t even remember it but with the shock slowly wearing off I knew it would be too sad, at least this year. So I spent the week of Christmas on the couch under Eliza’s blanket praying for the days to go by quickly, then I could get on a plane and disappear, for just a little while.
When the day finally came and we hopped on the plane and in 11 hours we were in Hanalei on the island of Kauai. I was so grateful to be experiencing this beautiful place with our friends and I was determined to push down any feelings of sadness so I could enjoy this gift.

But of course that’s not really possible.

Everything I saw I wanted Eliza to see, everything I smelled or felt or tasted I wanted for Eliza and she seemed so far away.
The first morning we woke up early because of the jet lag and Aaron our friend and I headed to the beach to watch the sunrise. As soon as I got there I started crying, it’s like I had been holding it in and it just had to come out. It was the perfect setting, the waves crashing, the moon bright in the sky, the mountains with all of the lush green. If I could pick a perfect place here on earth, a place that I would like to imagine looks like heaven, this was it. So I prayed to myself, we all prayed together and I decided instead of wishing Eliza was experiencing these things with me I would try my hardest to be thankful she was experiencing something 100 times better in heaven with Jesus. I prayed many times over the next 8 days that I would get little reminders that God really is good.

So we beached and shopped and ate 100 shaved ices and then the day came for our hike. I was excited, I like to hike, I don’t do it often but I have definitely spent many sunny weekends at Seashore State Park.
So I bought a pair of hiking boots {because I like to shop and if I have an excuse to buy something for an actual activity its even better} and the 6 of us headed to the entrance of the trail. We would be hiking to a beautiful Hawaiian waterfall and I was ready.

The first thing I noticed was it was a little steeper then I expected and a little more rocky then I expected but it was okay, I do spin everyday and I wasn’t nervous. Before I knew it my friends had gotten ahead of me and after my barefoot husband asked if he could help me, and I annoyingly said no I can do this on my own, he continued exploring the trail at a snails pace taking in all the beauty while I tried to pick up the pace and catch up with the rest of the crew. Then I started getting mad, why was I by myself, why had everyone left me, why was this so hard, I thought I was going to be good at this and as the tears began to well up in my eyes I took a step, slipped on a rock and completely face planted into the rocky mud. I was covered from head to toe: pants, face, hands and I was alone with the exception of a few strangers who gasped when I fell and asked me if I was okay. I quickly said yes, got up and kept walking my body bruised but my ego bruised even more.

I finally go to a landing and our friends were waiting. They were taking pictures and chatting and then they looked at me covered in mud and asked me if I fell, I said yes and then I started to cry. This was too hard, I wanted to go back, I didn’t want to see the waterfall, I didn’t even care anymore. This was a bad idea and I wanted out, but I was too far in to go back by myself. I had to do it, no matter how badly I wanted to quit, no matter had badly I wanted to sit down on a rock and scream “I can’t do this” I had to move forward.

I didn’t have a choice.

So for the next 2 hours my friend literally held my hand over rocks and rushing water, up muddy slopes pushing me and talking me through it, telling me where to take my next step and why, and then when he got tired he switched with another friend and he did the same for me. The entire time all of them telling me I could get through this.

I’m sure you are all wondering where Aaron was… he was on his own path.

So two hours through the hardest thing I’ve had to physically do we got to the waterfall, it was beautiful but the most beautiful thing was that I had made it. Not alone but I made it. So as we headed back down the trail, another two hours, with Aaron by my side I was more confident with each step. I was completely exhausted but when I finally got to the end my wonderful friends; that I am so blessed to have, cheered and I collapsed in the car.

To me this hike represented life, MY LIFE. It’s hard. Most of the time it’s nothing like I thought it would be. There are twists and turns, peaks and valleys and there are times I don’t think I can make it. It can be lonely and it can be sad. But when I fall like I did so many times that day, my friends were there to reach out their hands, pick me up and walk with me, just like God has done. And through all of the suffering and fighting just to take one more step HE carries me through and just like that waterfall HE gives me something beautiful.

So everyday I am closer to the beautiful BEGINNING where I can finally see my baby girl Eliza again. Some days I will fall, some days I will struggle to take another step but I will get there. I will keep my eyes fixed on HIM and with HIS grace I will get there…

and won’t that be beautiful.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”~ Exodus 14:14