As I sat in my therapists office this week I sobbed. I had piles of tissues in my lap, my eyes were puffy and my head was pounding. It’s like that every week. I unload, I share things that I haven’t shared with anyone. It actually feels like work, and afterwards I just want to crawl in to my bed. But I don’t, I take an Advil, wipe away the tears and go on to the next task of the day. Most days it feels like a lie, like I’m tricking everyone into thinking I’ve got it all together, that I’m strong, that I’m brave… but I’m not. I’m like any other mama that has lost a child, I’m just getting by.
And now as we head into fall I feel all twisted inside. What was once my favorite time of year is now the season that the rug was pulled out from underneath us. The season that I realized life really isn’t fair. The season that changed me forever. The season that our sweet Eliza went to heaven.
So I wrestle with these feelings, I try and figure out how I have survived almost a year without my girl and I realize that no matter how hard I try I will never be satisfied with any answer.
I have a dear friend that recently moved into a new house. She told me that her husband was in the backyard mowing the lawn and there was a section of the yard that was covered in pinecones. He tried to mow there but quickly realized he would have to pick up too many pinecones and so he decided to just leave it the way it was. He told her “Eliza’s here in our backyard.” So now there is a little part of their yard that never gets mowed and I’m quite sure that every time they see it they think of our angel.
I hang on to every one of these stories. Stories about when Eliza was here with us and stories about the impact that she has made in people’s lives.
So my HOPE is that as the years pass people will still be sharing “backyard” stories about Eliza. And that she will always be a reminder to others that it doesn’t have to take 79 years to make a difference in this life, in this world…
Some very special people can get it done in just 4 1/2.
“My heart a storm, clouds raging deep within. The Price of Peace came bursting through the wind The violent sky held its breath And in your light I found rest”~ Hillsong~ Prince of Peace