I miss my little girl. It’s really that simple. I see signs of her everywhere but it’s not her. I feel like I’m trapped in this world without her. The feeling of missing her doesn’t go away, it follows me everywhere. Sometimes I actually say the words “I can’t do this,” out loud. I don’t know if I’m saying it to God or if I’m hoping someone will hear me and shake me and tell me it was all just a terrible dream. I still have days that I literally picture Eliza’s little body lying in that terrible white casket with her blanket, her favorite book and a bible in her hand. It’s those moments that I feel like I’m too far gone, that I can never get back.
Grief is such a burden, it’s so hard to carry. It’s heavy, it’s uncomfortable and it’s always there. Always.
When Eliza died, I was broken in ways that I never knew were possible. And now two years and three months later as my tired body heals, I know that the ache will never go away. It’s permanent. It’s mine.
I read other stories of loss, it’s comforting for me to know that someone else has experienced the same. I soak it in, I want every detail on how they survived, how they got up off the floor, how they got through their darkest days and what they did when life knocked them down again.
There is so much truth in walking out these days alongside of people who have experienced the same tragedy. People that know exactly what I mean when I say “I can’t do this.” People that know exactly what it’s like to get “that” bag from the funeral home, the one that stays closed until one day you think you’re brave enough to open it, only to be reminded that you really aren’t.
But there are days when the sun is out and I can stand still and feel grateful that I have made it this far.
“Time is the longest distance between two places” ~Tennessee Williams
Oh dear friend-she was a gift, you are a gift. I’ve never known the loss you have but I know one thing, a gift is a gift and it is to be cherished for as long as we have it. So you my friend do not realize what a gift you are to others . Xo and stay the course
Aimee your strength is incredible and probably exactly as Eliza would expect. I am in awe of your ability to share and communicate your feelings. We send our love and hugs! Mark and Laurie…..
I’m so sorry for the pain you experience daily, your pain is great because your love is so great. Have you ever associated this pain with what God experiences when people turn their back on Him. I know this is different, but if you look at this with God’s perspective maybe it could offer you hope. I’m certainly not diminishing your pain or your feelings. I hope through these intense struggle you can see God’s hand daily. God bless you!
I’m so sorry for the pain you experience daily, your pain is great because your love is so great. Have you ever associated this pain with what God experiences when people turn their back on Him. I know this is different, but if you look at this with God’s perspective maybe it could offer you hope. I’m certainly not diminishing your pain or your feelings. I hope through these intense struggle you can see God’s hand daily. God bless you!
I’ve traveled the road, sister. It’s been 13 years. Our daughter would be married with children now and I grieve that loss as well. Thank you for your honesty. Your words will become someone else’s survival guide. Stay true to the course. I pray for strength to come your way.
We know your pain. The empty feeling. 25 years later but having faith in God keeps us moving forward with hope. Sending a hug from ones who have walked in your shoes.