It has taken me little while to write about our trip to Nicaragua. I needed to give myself some time to process it all to make sure that I did it justice. Aaron and I were given the opportunity to travel to Managua, Nicaragua  in March to visit  Hogar De Fe Orphanage. We would be going to spend time with the children, to love on them, speak life to them and to show them they are worth more than their circumstances. Now when I say we were GIVEN the opportunity I truly mean given. We didn’t have to do anything, it was all set up, we didn’t have to book flights or hotel rooms, we just had to pack our bags and show up.

The night before the trip I was so anxious, how was I going to get through 5 days with all of these children when I found it so hard be with children here at home since Eliza has been gone. There would be no escape for me in Nicaragua. I prayed, there was no backing out, I was all in.

We arrived in Nicaragua and before we got to the orphanage we learned that it is the poorest country in Central America, that a lot of these children are abandoned by their parents because they can not afford to feed them, that many of these children come from extremely sad circumstances and that the needs of the poorest children in the US do not even come close to the needs of the children in Nicaragua.

So we arrived at Hogar De Fe in the morning, my heart was racing because I didn’t know what to expect. We were told to “lean in” to give these kids as much we can. We got off the bus and the kids came running. I immediately started hugging them, I looked for Aaron and he was doing the same. At one point I just sat on the ground and hugged 5 or 6 kids at the same time. 5 or 6 kids that didn’t know me. 5 or 6 kids that were already giving me more than I could have imagined. I was there for 10 minutes and I was already in love. My heart relaxed.

And I leaned in…

Over the next 4 days I experienced so many emotions. Every evening when we would get ready to leave my jaw would get tight and I would have to hold back tears until I got on the bus to go back to the hotel.  On our bus rides back we would play Roses and Thorns, that is where each person tells their Rose (high of the day) and their Thorn (low of the day). My thorn was always the same, having to leave the kids. We would all cry at some point that week. We all witnessed a resilience in these sweet children that you don’t find often. These children have such sad beginnings to their life. They have no parents to speak of. Some of them didn’t have birth certificates or last names and yet with so little of what WE think is important they had so much JOY. I went there broken hearted having lost my true love Eliza, and I realized they had EACH felt unbelievable loss in their lives too. We all had something important missing and it felt so good to love them. The guilt I thought I would feel loving other children did not exist with them and I knew that I needed them much more then they needed me.

One little girl in particular stole our hearts. She was Eliza’s age, and by Day 2 Aaron was spinning her around and making funny faces and noises and just like Eliza she would smile and laugh. I watched as she grabbed his beard and giggled just like our sweet Eliza did, and instead of making me sad, like I had assumed it would, it made me happy.

The children came to know Eliza too. They would all grab my locket and open it. The older kids would say “this is your baby??” I would say “yes this is Eliza” they would smile and repeat her name. The little ones would point to it and smile and I would open it and say “Eliza”. Eventually they would just walk up to me open my locket and say her name. Nicaragua was the first time since November 11th that I really smiled…from my heart. I imagined Eliza was with us there. I imagined that all the kids would have loved her and she would have loved them.

My life is so different now. Everything has changed. Every part of me wants Eliza to be here and now the fog has lifted and reality has set in. I’ve talked to other moms like me and they know exactly what I am talking about. The moment that everything is clear and you are face to face with the finality of losing your child. It’s so hard. It’s so sad. And it threatens to destroy me everyday. But having these glimpses of happiness, like I had in Nicaragua are like a life jacket that keeps me afloat even when the waves threaten to drown me…and they do.

These children are so brave. They are so joyful. They have so much hope. They are just like Eliza. I felt less lonely when I was with them. I felt I had a purpose. I felt at home. They reminded me that I still have so much love to give and that loving them does not mean I love Eliza any less. I think that experiencing unconditional love for Eliza has made my heart bigger. The miracle in all of this is that I went to Nicaragua to give. I went to pour into these amazing children, but I was the one who received so much.

so much more than I could have imagined.

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep my faith will stand”  ~Hillsong United