November, I’ve been dreading you. I’ve watched the calendar all year, I’ve counted the days but their is no way to get around it… you’re here.
November will never again be the month of Election Day or Veterans Day, my Dad’s birthday, Thanksgiving or Black Friday. It will forever be the month my precious little girl left this earth. I wish their was a fast forward button so I would never have to face November again. But their isn’t.
I remember vividly planning Eliza’s memorial service almost one year ago. We sat at a big table at church with our pastor, the worship pastor and a few other people. I remember feeling oddly calm and I had complete clarity on what I wanted to happen on the day we would celebrate Eliza’s short life. I didn’t have to think twice about anything. I knew what I wanted given out, I knew who I wanted the ushers to be, I knew who would speak and what verses, I knew who I wanted to sing and what music we would have. Music has always been important to me, I’ve always loved singing and worshipping in church and Eliza loved music too. She would get so excited when it was music time at school. She loved when my mom would go through YouTube videos and sing nursery rhymes to her or when my dad would sing the songs he sang to my brother and me when we were young. And so when it came time to pick the music I wanted it to mean something, I wanted it to be true and I knew without a doubt it would be “Oceans” and “Sinking Deep” by Hillsong and “You Make Me Brave” and “It is Well” by Bethel Worship.
It is Well… It sounds like a strange choice because really nothing was well about this. But I was completely drawn to this song almost like I was willing it to be true. Most mornings in those first few weeks I would listen to it as soon as I woke up. I would cry and pray and many times I would beg for IT to really be WELL…with me.
But now I know that it doesn’t come quickly or easily, no matter how many tears I cry or how painfully I miss Eliza. No matter how deeply I believe the words or how strongly I want it to be true. And so November is hard, harder then I thought it would be. And it isn’t really WELL…
About a month ago Aaron told me he had a question he wanted to ask me but he was a little nervous about my reaction. I hesitated and told him to go ahead. He asked me if I could have Eliza back today, exactly like she was, would I do it, would I bring her back? The only catch was that I would be taking her from Heaven where she can run and talk and laugh, where she can be with Jesus everyday. Where she is happy and loved and has no struggles no pain no sickness…would I do it?
I immediately started crying…I still haven’t answered his question.
And so it may not be well with me yet and maybe it will take 100 November’s, or a million more tears or maybe it won’t ever be WELL here on earth. But what I do know for sure is that It is Well with Eliza… and really… isn’t that all that matters?
“Far be it from me to not believe, even when my eyes can’t see. And this mountain thats in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea. And through it all through it all my eyes are on YOU. Through it all it all through it all it is well. And though it all through it all my eyes are on YOU and it is well with me” ~Bethel