Dear Eliza,

I woke up this morning and just like that it was the 11^th.  It’s been 3 months, 3 long months. Your daddy and I miss you more than anyone could imagine, that feeling hasn’t gotten any better. We just love you so much it’s hard to be here without you. We lay in your bed the other morning and we talked about you, we cried too. It’s so hard some days. We want you back so badly, we want one of your big hugs that lasted forever, and daddy wants to take a long nap with you just like he always did. Every night I pray so hard that you will meet me in my dreams, you haven’t yet, it’s probably just too soon, I’m probably not ready, it would probably be too painful to wake up. One day I’ll be ready though, I’m waiting patiently for that day.

Everyone misses you here, they tell me all the time. Even your little friends and your cousins talk about you. They talk about sending balloons up to heaven for you with presents on them, they ask to see videos of you and they kiss your picture in my locket that I wear every day. Even people who never met you miss you. They miss your sweet smile. You are so loved Eliza. I hope you can feel it.

I love to imagine you talking and jumping and playing in heaven with all your new friends. I KNOW you have so many. I’m sure you are giving out hugs all day and I’m sure that everyone lines up for them. I can’t wait until I am in that line, I will never let go.

And the pinecones… who knew that your love for pinecones would spread so far. People still send me pictures. I love that because it reminds me that people are thinking of you, that no one has forgotten you. I love seeing signs of you, reminders that you were here. I found some popcorn crumbs under the couch the other day. You loved “pop pop” so much  and I loved how you would get so excited at the sound of the microwave. You would flap your little arms and jump up and down. I scooped up those crumbs and put them in a baggie, I wanted to keep them, I want to keep everything you ever touched. I know for sure those crumbs were YOUR “pop pop” crumbs because we haven’t had popcorn since you’ve been gone. I wonder if we ever will.

We started a foundation for you and its finally official, we named it the Eliza Hope Foundation.  We are going to help so many children like you. All your teachers and therapists are helping, they are so excited. Everyone wants to help because you meant that much to them. Your picture will be everywhere and we will have a big fish tank in front just like the one at your school that you loved so much. We are building a legacy for you. We are going to change lives. Your life inspired that.

I loved being your momma Eliza, it was my greatest joy. When I close my eyes I can remember every part of you. I want to always remember exactly what your little fingers and toes looked like. I want to remember your sweet kisses and the sound of your voice. I want to remember the feeling of you climbing into my arms and saying “night night”. I want to always remember the weight of you when you finally drifted off to sleep.  I’m so scared that as time goes on those memories will get blurry and faded. I don’t ever want that to happen I don’t ever want to forget. I want all of those things about you imprinted in my memory forever.

I hate that you aren’t here. Every part of me hates it.

Life is hard without you Eliza. Our love for you is so big and now there is a hole. I look at pictures and videos of you every day. There are so many. There are lots of pictures of you in the hospital too but you still managed to smile in them, I’m glad there are no hospitals in heaven. Your nurses and doctors still send me messages and emails, you changed them too. You were so brave. Every day you were brave. I wish that I was half as brave as you.

I could write to you forever, it makes me feel so close to you.

I am so grateful for you Eliza. I will do good things in this life for you even when it is hard.  I will carry you with me everywhere. I will try to be strong like you and brave like you. And when I fail, because I will sometimes, I will close my eyes and imagine that you are telling me to keep going. And then I will.

I love you Eliza Hope, to the moon and back a million times.

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go my dear…)” ~ e.e.cummings