Just today I was having coffee with a friend and I told her about this blog post. I wrote it on the plane to Las Vegas on November 10th 2016, the day before Eliza went to heaven. I started this blog and finished it on the flight but I never had the chance to post it. I think about it some times but I have been scared to read it again and especially scared to post it. It’s so personal now because I never had the chance to do what I said I would do and I have so many regrets; and that is a hard thing to face, especially when you don’t have any more chances. 

As much as I hate to admit it I’m on my phone a lot, emailing, texting, social mediaing (that should totally be a word). I struggle with it because I know it occupies a lot of my time. I blame it on work since I work, I blame it on having too many doctors appointments, I blame everything but me. The last few months Aaron has been pointing it out a lot and sometimes I find myself trying to hide it… {the first step is admitting it’s a problem}. I have even made myself believe that if I’m sitting on the couch with Eliza and I’m on my phone and she is on her iPad that it actually counts as quality time. So it’s been on my heart to change… but change is hard.

Eliza’s favorite number is two. I guess favorite is a stretch but it’s her number. She doesn’t use it in any type of context she just wants to say it and she says it all the time. When she wakes up in the morning she says 2 and shows two fingers. She randomly will look at me and say two and then cheer for herself. When we walk up stairs we count and she always says two with a little more excitement. I love when she does it because it always makes me smile. I guarantee if you meet her she will at some point in your interaction say “two”.

Eliza woke up the other night at around 10pm and I went in to her room. It was one of those nights where she wanted to chat. So I layed with her and we were face to face and she smiled that big joyful smile, so I thought let’s just hangout. She giggled, recited her words, hugged me, kissed my hand a million times, gave high fives; I mean literally she did every trick she’s got. I was leaving for a trip the next morning so when Aaron came in and asked what was going on I told him we were just having a little late night quality time and then Eliza and I got back to our chat. She did a few more things and without saying anything I put my hand up to give her a high five and she said FIVE. It stopped me in my tracks because she rarely says five unless we are counting and she usually leaves five out. She did it with such confidence like “yep those are five fingers mama” and I thought to myself how long has she been saying five? Had I been so busy that I had missed it? Has she done it before? Maybe I hadn’t missed it, maybe that was the first time that she recognized five fingers and said five. I sat with that thought for awhile.

I know parents miss things. I know that life happens and we can’t always see every first. But Eliza’s firsts are so important to me because they are a challenge, and she works so hard at them, and she doesn’t give up on them, and she gets so excited, and who doesn’t want to see their child’s big successes? How sad would it be if I missed it because I was answering a text or an email or taking the millionth picture of her?

Everyone always says “they grow up so fast” and I know that. I’ve seen my nephews and my godchildren grow up in the blink of an eye but day to day life can make you forget.

so I’ve made a promise

Now after work I’m putting down my phone. I’m not putting it next to me because it’s too easy to pick up. I’ll put it of reach so I will have to make a conscious effort to leave what I’m doing to get it. For now I’ll keep the ringer on (baby steps) but I won’t be in such a hurry to interrupt what I’m doing for a call or a text.

So if I don’t return your text in 15 seconds or answer your call in 30 seconds I promise I’m not ignoring you.

I’ll just be on the couch counting to 5 and watching Eliza grow up.

“slow down won’t you stay here a minute more I know you want to walk through the door. But it’s all too fast let’s make it last a little while I pointed to the sky and now you wanna fly. I am your biggest fan, I hope you know I am but do you think you can somehow slow down” ~ Lauren Daigle