Perfect HOPE Blog
A Land Called Hanalei
A few weeks before Christmas Aaron and I received a text from our friends saying “Do you want to go to Hawaii with us the day after Christmas?” Of course I couldn’t write back YES fast enough! Hawaii has never been a place I dreamed I would ever go. It’s so far and its a place I never imagined I would be able to see… and then here I was packing my bags for Hawaii.
The week of Christmas was torture for me. We always go see my family and I had decided early on that I just couldn’t face the fun family holiday with all of the cousins when Eliza would be missing. Last year I was in shock, I don’t even remember it but with the shock slowly wearing off I knew it would be too sad, at least this year. So I spent the week of Christmas on the couch under Eliza’s blanket praying for the days to go by quickly, then I could […]
I Miss You Most At Christmas Time
I miss Eliza so much and the holidays are so much more difficult than last year. I must have been in shock last last year because I don’t remember any of these feelings. This year I want to buy her presents, I want to drive around looking at Christmas lights and take her to Christmas Town. I want to give Eliza her first candy cane and dress her in Christmas outfits for the entire month. I want her to sit in Santa’s lap and I want to snuggle on the couch with her and watch Christmas movies even if we just end up watching Frozen over and over again.
But I can’t, because she isn’t here.
I’ve always loved Christmas. I have great memories from my childhood. Memories of red and green construction paper chains that my brother and I would take turns ripping off until Christmas. And the advent calendar that we would open every morning just for the simple joy of seeing what the picture was […]
Love, Mama
Dear Eliza,
One year without you, It doesn’t seem possible. I miss you so much it physically hurts, it really is like a piece of me is gone. But I get up every morning for you, even when I want to hide under the covers I get up because I want everyone to know about you. I want everyone to know that you were here.
I wish I could see you Eliza, so badly. I wish I could hug you and kiss you and tell you I love you a million times. I miss our morning snuggles so much, how you would shout “mama” and I would come into your room and you would jump back in your bed with a big smile on your face because you knew I was going to hug you tight and we were going to fall back asleep together. Sometimes I lay in your bed and imagine you’re with me and that always makes me cry.
You were such a gift Eliza and […]
It is Well
November, I’ve been dreading you. I’ve watched the calendar all year, I’ve counted the days but their is no way to get around it… you’re here.
November will never again be the month of Election Day or Veterans Day, my Dad’s birthday, Thanksgiving or Black Friday. It will forever be the month my precious little girl left this earth. I wish their was a fast forward button so I would never have to face November again. But their isn’t.
I remember vividly planning Eliza’s memorial service almost one year ago. We sat at a big table at church with our pastor, the worship pastor and a few other people. I remember feeling oddly calm and I had complete clarity on what I wanted to happen on the day we would celebrate Eliza’s short life. I didn’t have to think twice about anything. I knew what I wanted given out, I knew who I wanted the ushers to be, I knew who would speak and what verses, I knew who […]
An elevator ride
Recently I was thinking about one of Eliza’s hospital stays. We had been in the PICU at CHKD for a week or so and because of the type of pneumonia Eliza had we couldn’t have visitors in her room so if someone came to visit I would meet them downstairs in the lobby. One evening a friend came to drop off some treats, it was late and the hospital was quiet. I took the elevator down to meet her from the 8th floor and halfway down it stopped to let people on. I was wearing sweats and slippers, I was tired and remember wishing the elevator hadn’t stopped. The doors opened and there were 5 or 6 people standing there, I could tell it was a family, grandparents, parents, maybe aunts and uncles. They were holding bags and blankets and pillows and all of them were crying. One of the younger women, probably in her 30’s was quietly sobbing and being held up by the others. I […]
Backyard Stories
As I sat in my therapists office this week I sobbed. I had piles of tissues in my lap, my eyes were puffy and my head was pounding. It’s like that every week. I unload, I share things that I haven’t shared with anyone. It actually feels like work, and afterwards I just want to crawl in to my bed. But I don’t, I take an Advil, wipe away the tears and go on to the next task of the day. Most days it feels like a lie, like I’m tricking everyone into thinking I’ve got it all together, that I’m strong, that I’m brave… but I’m not. I’m like any other mama that has lost a child, I’m just getting by.
And now as we head into fall I feel all twisted inside. What was once my favorite time of year is now the season that the rug was pulled out from underneath us. The season that I realized life really isn’t fair. The season that […]